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| i used to use this site to spill everything about my life. oh how naive i was. actuallyy, i think back and i'd write a bunch of very intimate stuff and then delete 85% of it.
but i'm not going to delete today. or maybe i will... i just need an outlet. this is just crazy. i feel the need to share or i'll explode in thought. past couple of weeks i've been waking up to thoughts of school. it'd be ok if it was just 5 minutes, but it's for stinkin' 45 minutes.... i lay down with my eyes closed and just think about school... i think that's what really screws me up. teaching is not that bad... thinking about school is horrible.
i need to learn to stop thinkng and overanalyzing everything. but u know what my problem is on top of that? not being able to think on the spot. thoughts... thoughts are such a weird concept. i have no control over my thoughts. how horrible, no?
wow this feels so good... who needs friends when you have xanga.. hahahah jk. ooh ::fighting the urge to delete this entry:: no.. maybe later, but i wanna read this later. it probably won't make sense later, but whatever..
i miss my friend a lot.
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| i wonder if anyone has ever died of senioritis...
i think i might.
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| i thought i was done with xanga, but this innate longing in myself, this feeling of not being able to hold it in myself, to have to be heard, is making me do this... you know, walking down morgan, i didn't want to come home... just 'cause i knew i'd be back on my couch watching tvand just doing the same ol' same ol'. i want to get out of here... this is the exact same feeling i had about four years ago in the beginning of my dorming experience at uic as a freshmen. loneliness, despair, identity confusion... maybe it's more like identity-loss? how am i in the same place i was four years ago? life really is a rollercoaster. up and down up and down. good times bad times. i want to be heard. i've lost my audience, or i've driven them away. i long for companionship, but I just don't know where to turn to. it's weird though... that the thought of God pops into my head. when i was in better terms with him, i didn't have these feelings of loss-ness. i had someone to tun to. or maybe i really ddn't... maybe when life was better, i thought i had Him. but really, how many times did i really turn to Him for companionship? i turned to friends. i don't know. this is not making me feel better. i always do this, i write down my feelings, then i get all insecure about who's gonna read this and then i end up deleting the whole entry. not this time. maybe that's the difference between me now and me four years ago. i grew some. oh man, i want someone to understand me.
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| "Then they rose, to come together over a great basin filled with wate. And they divided into four groups, two of women and two of men; and they began, woman before women, and man before man, to wash each other's feet. But the blood would not wash off; many washings only turned the crystal water red; and someone cried: 'Have you been to the river?' Then John saw the river, and the multitude was there. And now they had undergone a change; their robes were ragged, and stained with the road they had traveled, and stained with unholy blood; the robes of some barely covered their nakedness; and some indeed were naked. And some stumbled on the smooth stones at the river's edge, for they were blind; and some crawled with a terrible wailing, for they were lame; some did not cease to pluck at their flesh, which was rotten with running sores. All struggled to get to the river, in a dreadful hardness of heart: the strong struck down the weak, the ragged spat on the naked, the naked cursed the blind, the blind crawled over the lame. And someone cried: 'Sinner, do you love my Lord?'" -Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin | | |
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